Turtle Mom Wedding Whinesday: Finding the Right Words for Wedding Vows
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Daughter and I were talking last week and she mentioned a recurring nightmare: that she forgets her vows. Naturally, I said, “Oh, have you decided what you’re going to say?”
No. She hadn’t. As I have said before, I am not up on the wedding stuff, modern or traditional. I catch a glimpse of something interesting every so often (the couple that got married in a sky dive, the couple that got married in a library, the couple that got married in a Wal-Mart). But then I move on.
Daughter’s wedding is different. I’m seeing it close up, like a piece of furniture that arrives unassembled in its box and I have to identify each piece before I know where (and how) it fits into the whole. I should mention that I have put unassembled furniture together in the past, and I wish I’d had the foresight to video one of those exercises in frustration for YouTube.
For my wedding, we used the traditional vows (except for obey…I gave dh a choice of including it for both of us, or for neither; he chose neither; wise man). Pretty simple, straightforward and no need to write anything special and have nightmares that I’d forget it.
I really like the idea of people crafting their own vows, though, as Daughter and her fiance will be doing. A quick search of the internet reveals much advice and examples of vows other couples have used. But it also raises a high bar — this is the most important part of the ceremony for the couple. The part where they make their promises to love and honor (and not obey) in sickness and health (of themselves *and* and pets and/or children…not to mention an aging Turtle Mom…but all I need is my computer and a printer and I’m good).
I thought I’d take a shot, but then I realized that Daughter will be wary of any of my writing efforts (see the Confessions of a Turtle Mom if you don’t understand this perfectly natural reaction for any child of a writing mother). Besides, I rarely go to weddings and I haven’t got a clue where to start.
So — I’d really like suggestions from people who pay attention to these kinds of things. What kinds of promises does a modern woman need to make to her husband? To diligently contribute to the 401K? To make dinner at least 50% of the week? Not to gloat if her sports teams cream his?
What are the most touching vows you’ve ever heard, and why did they touch you so much (just like the best writing, it probably has something to do with revealing the hearts and minds of the bride and groom).
I’ll compile the answers and send them to Daughter. Hopefully, with your help, we can stop the nightmares!
25 de January, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Honestly, this isn’t my forte. My hubby would rather have dropped dead than consider writing his own vows. I asked him to respond to our daughter’s weekly letter about her school activites this weekend and you would have thought I asked for his right kidney. So, we obviously went with traditional vows.
My only piece of advice is to consider what is special about their relationship. I wrote a letter to the attendees of our wedding. My 13-year-old son gave me away. My husband had been in his life since he was 18 months old, so they had a long history together. In addition, even though the hubby and I didn’t live together during most of that time–he lived at home with his parents–I hoped we consider how our decisions would impact my son. So, I wrote a letter to the attendees reminding them I didn’t come into this relationship alone, and that Paul and I were promising to consider John in all our decisions. I also asked them to help us remember to do that if we broke our commitment to our son. We then gave John a gold chain as a symbol of our promise to him. Over 10 years later, he still wears it.
That’s what I mean when I say they should consider something special about their relationship. They should recall what they love about it each other. What they do for each other that no one else does. What makes them unique.
Good luck!
25 de January, 2012 at 12:58 pm
Wish I could help too. We never wrote our own vows because I thought for sure I’d forget them, lol. The preacher had some kind of neurological thing going on in his hand and he was constantly twitching. I just wanted the whole thing to be over with, lol.
25 de January, 2012 at 1:08 pm
I think there’s a certain pressure to make the vows meaningful to each other nowadays, especially given that so many people are waiting to get the careers and life settled down before they get to the “I do” part. Of course, as a writer, I think true words from the heart *do* mean more than traditional vows that you don’t have to think about (although you should think about them, that in sickness and health, etc. part is very true…says the person married over three decades!).
25 de January, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Interesting point, Cheryl. I wonder if brides feel awkward if they do write their vows and the groom doesn’t? Fortunately, Daughter’s fiance is on board with the idea.
25 de January, 2012 at 3:34 pm
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25 de January, 2012 at 4:14 pm
That sounds beautiful to me, Cheryl! Made me cry to think of your son still wearing his chain.
25 de January, 2012 at 5:39 pm
He’s a special kid. He had to write an essay in high school about his idol. He chose me. Talk about having to live up to high expectations.
25 de January, 2012 at 11:20 pm
I won’t be any help either, but I just had to pop in real quick. My sister is going to be getting married in June, so wedding plans, details, etc are flying around here, too!
what a crazy/fun time!
26 de January, 2012 at 8:28 am
Oh Katie, June will be here soon. I hope your sister doesn’t have any nightmares between then and now!
26 de January, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Oh I remember the wedding nightmares myself. We did not write our own vows but I think it’s great that your daughter is putting so much thought and effort into this important step. My one bit of advice is to have the words written down somewhere, even if they plan to recite them from memory so that they don’t have to worry about forgetting them. We had ours printed on a piece of paper inside the Bible the priest was holding open so we could glance at them for reference.